I do not have a god complex, I have a rubix complex - I need to solve the puzzle. I'm baffled at the fact that there is no better sleep than that of one next to a warm body, but confused at the math that makes the cold side of the pillow warm so damn fast. I'm compelled to find the universal delete button - you can delete a phone number from a blackberry, you can delete an e-mail from your inbox, you can destroy the mail. But there's no delete button for the mind, which is sadly, not in development. Which is interesting considering that anything you'd ever want is available somewhere on the internet, and not only that, but it's plug and play USB and self-powered. No pesky AA batteries required.
I'm gonna go all 'livejournal' here. Four years ago someone very near to me told me that my writing was lovely. Unfortunately for the rest of you, she convinced me. It was those damned eyes, I tell you, you can't help but melt. And I love cold weather. The fact of the matter is that without that push and those words of confidence, there's no way I stand up for myself by quitting my job and following my dreams across the country. There's no way I pursue an english degree so that I can one day put 'Self-Employed : Writer' on my tax return. Writing was just a hobby at the time. Now it's life. It's hard to remove the person that inspires that sort of change in your life. I'm still figuring out how (and failing, I know Sam, I know, but to quote Ryan, "Damn, Sam, I love a woman that rains") to do so. I've actually failed miserably at this task. By removing blue eyes from my life I've succeeded in memorizing a cellular number (that is something I do with every number) that I can't un-remember, panicked about sending a cross-country birthday gift, and spent many nights and showers (where I do the best of my creative thinking) stressing over this blue eyed heroine. I do care deeply. I do wish she's happy; and for this reason, I will stay out of her life.
In my case, the problem with dates being in the cards is that you have to have cards. Somehow I have a stack of monopoly money, the candlestick from clue, and a game piece from 'Sorry". I'm not sure what game it is i'm playing, but It sounds diabolical.
For the last 3 years 'write more' has been on my new years resolutions list. The stack of notebooks behind me, the 10 windows of notes and scripts and random lines of poetry open on my computer are a testament to that. I like to think my mother would actually approve of the decisions I've made and the changes to my maturity level since I turned 18. Unfortunately I went on an existential and creative journey (which will never end, for the record) during the worst economic period during my lifetime and had a very low chance of success. I'm okay with that. I've been watching a lot of House recently. I think he's amazingly compelling. When House isn't consumed by a case, he's consumed by chronic leg pain. It sounds kind of familiar.
I've dived back into the pile of books next to the borders around my bed. I've recently become interested into the idea of lucid dreaming. After three days of repetition - an A written on my skin that reminds me to ask myself if I'm awake - I've triggered lucid dreaming. It's been an interesting couple of nights waking up with a notepad and trying to remember how I'm changing the world.
You see, I do not have a god complex, I have a rubix complex - I need to solve the puzzle.
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