Best Movies of the Year According to Yours Truley

1) (500) Days of Summer

Joseph Gordon-Levitt gives one of the best performances of his career outside of Brick. Zooey Deschanel is amazing but for a change doesn't have to sing as part of the plot of the movie which is kind of sad because her voice is amazing....but that's why we have her band She and Him. Funny, depressing, emotional, with an interesting twist to the storytelling and beautiful presentation.

2) The Hurt Locker

Outside of Apocalypse Now, one of my favourite war movies of all time. Easily one of the most suspenseful movies I've ever seen. Since 75% of the dialog is conversations mainly between the 3 leads, the characters of the Bravo Company's EOD unit are well developed, which is a rarity for a movie filled with explosions.

3) Up

Yes the Pixar movie. It was sentimental and adorable, yet left you with sore abs from laughter, the way only Pixar movies can. Made more heart wrenching when you read this story. Pixar proves movie studios can still have heart.

4) Moon

Sam Rockwell + Kevin Spacey Robot + Beautiful but simple special effects + suspense = Moon. The 00's answer to 2001 A Space Odyssey.

5) Funny People

If you said this movie was too long than you don't have a heart. Seth Rogan and Adam Sandler (and anyone else who does stand-up in the movie, including Jonah Hill and Azis Ansari) wrote their own stand-up for the scenes, and if you like Apatow's produced comedies somewhat raunchy offbeat humor you'll love those scenes. But if you love the sentimental, emotional side of Apatow from Freaks and Geeks, you'll love it as well - I think it's an equal amount of both approaches.

6) Zombieland

I don't think I have ever laughed this hard in a theater. Ever. Might have done the Romantic-Comedy-With-Zombies genre even better than Shaun of the Dead. Also features possibly the best celebrity cameo in movie history - no spoilers for those of you who haven't seen it.

7) The Brothers Bloom

The sophmore attempt by Rian Johnson, writer and director of 2005's Brick, which is a must-see film noir. Brothers Bloom shows that Rian Johnson just has it - the imagery and symbolism from Brick is still here, and so is sarcasm and wit in the dialog. Mark Rufallo and Adrian Brody

honor the script with their performance. Confidence Man Meets Girl - it's been done before, but not quite like this. Not a flick for everyone, but I loved it.

8) District 9

Once upon a time, Neill Blomkamp was an aspiring filmmaker. It's a pretty well known story now - he made a short called Alive in Joburg about aliens in South Africa and it ended up in the hands of Director/Producer Peter Jackson. It was expanded into a feature length, the sci-fi movie some people have been waiting for for years - social commentary, special effects, and a movie you didn't need to have memorized alien races, planets, or languages for.

You'll notice there is no 9 or 10. That is because it isn't 2010 yet, and there are still some 2009 movies I haven't seen - four, really, that I've yet to see, that are all movies I hotly anticipated and am sure will place highly in my list of films. I highly suggest seeing these as well:

1) The Fantastic Mr Fox, Wes Anderson (Rushmore, Royal Tenenbaums) first animated comedy.

2)The Lovely Bones, (the above mentioned) Peter Jackson's new film based on the best selling novel. Featuring Mark Whalberg and Rachel Weis.

3) Up in The Air, Jason Reitman (Thank You for Smoking, Juno) third feature length journey behind the camera. This movie is absolutely adored by critics, and is getting a lot of Oscar buzz. If this is as good as his previous films, it'll definitely be one you want to see in theatres and later buy on dvd.

4) Sherlock Holmes, ...look, I freaking hate Jude Law. I think he's a miserable actor, yet I can't wait til Christmas releases this. That should tell you something. It doesn't hurt that Robert Downey Jr is playing the titular character nor that Guy Ritchie (of Snatch, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels fame; also Maddon's Ex-Husband) directed it.

Honorable Mentions for 2009:

1) Extract - Mike Judge (Office Space) will make you laugh again.

2) Whip It - Ellen Page is goddamned adorable.

3) Fanboys - funny, but funnier if your a sci-fi nerd.

4) Star Trek - A completely respectable sci-fi flick. And guess what? It's a reboot so you don't even have to sit down through the hours or boring television shows or old flicks to follow it. JJ Abrams knows what he's doing.

5) Coraline - Visually stunning, of course you've come to expect that of Henry Selick (Nightmare Before Christmas, James and the Giant Peach). Based on the Bram Stoker award winning Horror Novel. Definitely worth a viewing.

Best Movies I saw in 2009 From Previous Years

1) Primer (2006)- The entirely realistic and seemingly plausible discovery of time travel. This movie will confuse many people. Regardless, watch it.

2) Manic (2001)- Seen for the first time after (500) Days of Summer came out, Zooey and Levitt's first work as an on screen couple. Except much darker - set in a mental institution.

3) Choke (2008) - Okay, so this was a 2008 indie flick that never really got shown in Baltimore so I had to wait for DVD release. Regardless, it's based on Chuck Palahniuk's book about a sex addict with a habit for intentionally choking on food in public for sympathy and money. Sam Rockwell shines, again as Victor Manicini, and Anjelica Huston as his mother with Alzheimers.

4) Smart People (2008)- Ellen Page is still adorable.

5) Spun (2002) - Jason Schwartzman and (Rip) Brittany Murphy on a methamphetamine binge.

Disappointing Films of 2009

1) Inglorious Basterds - Quentin Tarantino. I've loved everything he's ever touched before, but this movie bored me. It could've been that the showing we saw didn't start until something like 11PM and I was tired, but I fell asleep...more than once. I went with 2 friends, and while one of us raves about how it's one of the best movies he's ever seen, the other two of us took turns waking each other up. It's certainly not the best I've seen.

2) 9. By Shane Acker (produced by Tim Burton). Visually beautiful, but lacking a plot. With a voice cast including Elijah Wood, John C Reilly, Jennifer Connelly, Martin Landau, and Christopher Plummer, you'd think you'd write some dialogue.

3) the Hangover - Yes, I laughed, yes I thought it was a good film, yes I'd watch it again and if you're into this sort of humor, I'd suggest it. But everyone I know treated it like the funniest movie they've ever seen - this movie is no Animal House, I'm sorry. But I love Zach Galifinakis, so although it disappointed me, it wasn't horrible.

Best Albums of 2009 According to Roe

These are the best albums of the year according to me. I'm aware I mix in random metal or alternative with what is mostly indie rock and pop. that's just how I dig music. There is very little technicality to my list. I generally just write down every album I think came out in the calendar year. I try not to look up albums, because really, if I didn't remember it, how much could I really have loved it? Certainly not enough to put it on a list of favourite albums. Some albums I listened to this year are not on the list at all, and if I forgot anything of grand importance - although I'm nearly positive I didn't - I may comment on it later for the....maybe 2 of you that will read this. I can't stress enough how many gems are in this list - the top 20 are all totally worth purchasing at full retail value.

Also Kanye West is only on this list because I said I would never listen to an album that was autotuned from start to finish and how disappointed I was in it. He had an interview where he said something about how he always wanted to sing and kids don't let someone tell you you can't do something, t here's a way to do it. For him to sing it required autotune. That annoys me a lot considering the amount of people who would love to sing but don't get paid millions to do it. Unfortunately, Paranoid and Heartless are ridiculously catchy.

For those of you wondering where the hip hop is: Lupe Fiasco, Talib Kweli, TI, T-Pain, Akon, Common, Usher and The Roots all didn't release anything this year. They'll all probably be on the list next year - the roots and lupe will both probably be top 10 if their releases are the same quality. Also Why?'s album Eskimo Snow is ridiculously good, but it definitely doesn't feel as much like hop hop as their previous stuff. Mos Def's most recent record is so overlooked. No I will never put Lil Wayne on a list because I haven't really loved anything he's done. The black eyed peas can disappear, preferrably quickly, and I don't care what tupac is releasing as his body completely decomposes.

Feel free to tell me what I missed.

1. the animal collective- merriweather post pavillion
2. the temper trap - conditions
3. as tall as lions - you can't take it with you
4. thrice - beggars
5. fuck buttons - tarot sport
6. white rabbits - it's frightening
7. dirty projectors - bitte orca
8. mutemath - armistice
9. them crooked vultures - them crooked vultures
10. brand new - daisy
11. grizzly bear - veckatimest
12. monsters of folk - monsters of folk
13. lucero - 1371 overton park
14. john mayer - battle studies
15. pelican what we all come to need
16. david bazan - curse your branches
17. Dear Hunter: Act III - Life and Death
18. Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
19. portugal. the man. - the satanic satanist
20. mos def - the ecstatic
21. mastodon - crack the skye
22. passion pit - manners
23. regina spektor - far
24. two tongues - two tongues
25. between the buried and me - the great misdirect
26. built to spill - there is no enemy
27. jay z - the blueprint 3
28. say anything - say anything
29. ...and you will know us by the trail of dead - the century of self
30. why? - eskimo snow
31. porcupine tree - the incident
32. volcano choir - unmap
33. mewithoutYou - it's all crazy! it's all false! it's all a dream! it's alright!
34. muse - the resistance
35. do make say think - other truths
36. manchester orchestra - mean everything to nothing
37. appleseed cast - sagarmatha
38. m ward - hold time
39. wilco - wilco (the album)
40. poison the well - the tropic rot
41. thursday - common existence
42. animal collective - fall be kind
43. maylene and the sons of disaster - III
44. cursive - mama i'm swollen
45. the decemberists - hazards of love
46. islands - vapour
47. owen - new leaves
48. everytime I die - new junk aesthetic
49. antlers - hospice
50. kanye west - 808 and heartbreaks

Most Disappointing Albums

In the list below, I forgot Nightmare of You - Infomaniac. Their self-titled debut is one of my favourite records of all time. I seriously thought it was a new, hook laden, guitar driven pop, 21st century smiths knock off with a twist. I love the smiths (and moz, even though his new album is below....he's still got the pipes but his records just become more and more forgettable as he releases them), and I waited with bated breath for 4 years (that bs ep should've been a sign) for this? Ugh. This is the biggest disappointment of the year.

1. afi - crash love (i honestly don't even know why i bothered)
2. muse - the resistence (this would've been good, if it didn't blow)
3. morrissey - years of refusal (moz. i love you.)
4. 4. tegan and sara - sainthood (it isn't the con. i wanted the con 2.)
5. fun. - aim and ignite (i wanted more of the format. when i learn to listen to it in a way that doesn't make it the format 2.0, this may grow on me. maybe)

A Letter from a Beautiful Girl can Seriously Change Your Outlook

So I know I haven't written. I know very few people care. It's been a rough and wild ride the last few weeks. Here are the summaries.

UN

I got screwed by Uhaul and am currently arguing with them about 50 dollars. Their website guarantees that if you do not have the truck you reserve when you get there, they will give you 50 dollars. I have sent them e-mails and filed a complaint by telephone. I odered a pickup truck with no cab to move my (queen) mattress from Sherman Oaks to Sam's  apartment in Burbank. This is approximately a 7 mile drive each way. When I got to the Uhaul, they weren't ready, and the first thing they did was say they didn't know why Uhauls website sent me to them, as they did not have pickups, only box trucks. Then I had to wait for the box truck to be readied, which took about 45 minutes. My reservation was 10-1, and I got into a 10 FOOT BOX TRUCK at around 11. It was a pain in the ass. Also the truck made this fabulous squeaking sound (not breaks) and sometimes seemed as if it didn't know how to shift up into the next gears. When i mentioned this to the owner of the facility he offered "Well we done checked the fluids out yesterday." Good. I'm proud of you. I don't know much about vehicles, but perhaps you shoudl check out the REST of the engine, eh? They also tried to get me to rent the truck for 24 hours. I don't know if they had a quota to meet, but they couldn't understand why I'd only need it for 2 hours.

So an 90 minutes later my mattress is firmly planted between the refridgerator and the wall in the kitchen, securing my eventual death in an incendiary-situation (incendiary  as in FLAMES, not as in I've riled a bunch of villagers with witty banter on why I should clearly be their king). Also securing my ability to have breakfast in bed by rolling over. 

I should explain that the apartment we're living in could very easily be a reality tv show. Here we go - I need maybe 5 cameras, with their feeds going directly into some sort of server. We put 3 cameras in the 'main room' and 2 in opposite corners of the kitchen. Our masterful main room is a multipurpose room. Most days of the week it's a living room. On sundays and some evenings it's a theatre for film or sports. On evenings it's a bedroom. There is a desk I've decided is our 'writing centre'. 

Let me elaborate further.

This room is 11x7. Or roughly half the size of a Taco Bell restroom.

And further yet.

We have 3 single guys between the 22 and 23 living in it.

So you can clearly see why my bed is in the kitchen.

...because I snore.

So the living/multipurpose/bedroom is shared by Justin and Sam. It houses 4 macintosh computers (my editing desktop and perosnal use laptop, sam and justin's laptops) and 3 xbox 360s (one from each of us). It houses a single full sized matress on the floor in one corner, and adjacent to that, a small love seat which turns into (justin's) bed.

Through the door is my fortress of solitude. We have a fridge about half the width of a normal fridge. Directly to the right of that, taking up 60% of the available floor space, is my queen sized mattress. I did not choose a queen; it was free. Free is good when you're living on ramen and quesadillas containing nothing but cheese.

Opposite my bed is the pantry - the top shelves contain our snacks and cooking utensils, the bottom shelves contain our garbage and suitcases. The fun part though is when you go to the sink.

Imagine this scenario: you are a guest for the first time in our tiny apartment, maybe, say, for football on a Sunday. You volunteer to clean, but you cannot find the soap. So you open the cabinet under the sink to get the proper detergants, right?

Wrong. Because if you did that, you would find my dresser. Also known as 4 giant ziplock bags filled haphazardly with my clothes. Which leads me to the second reason the last 2 weeks sucked.

DEUX

When tossing my bag under the sink in a rush to leave, a bag that contains my shoes bumped into the ( insert word that means pipe that's connected to the sinks drain here ) causing what i'd like to call a slight leak. I didn't notice. I instead went to Hollywood.

90 Minutes later sam calls. We have to go to a hardware store he says.

Shit. (I say)

3 hours, a trip to Lowes, 3 sausages sauteed with vegetables and many curses later, sam has adheared some sort of plastic-steel-bracelet of 'please god do not let the sink spew dirty water all over my chuck taylors'. It has thus far seemed to work. For a brief second I thought we'd need somewhere new for my clothes, like under a shelf in the bathroom. However now that my fine undergarments (read: fruit of the loom 4 pack) are save from ramen juice, we've decided to use that space for someting far greater: some sort of animal. Bunnies! 

(Note: not serious - we're not even sure if Sams lease is okay with multiple people being housed in it,  much less animals.)

Everything Electronic Fails [THREE!]

So we begin the process of arranging our electronics - this seems like nothing important, but we have multiple xbox's and computers and very ew grounded outlets. As we plug in an adapter, power surge, no electricity. And we have to call the super who is going to have t walk into our apartment and see a bed in the kitchen. Uh oh.

Luckily we find breakers. We throw them. We vow to curse the outlet with sorcery later.

Also during this entire week our internet was out which severely limited my job search, which is about as active as Kanye's ego but as successful as Patrick Swayze's battle with cancer.

Ponderings With Sean McGee - Episode One

Definitely watch this. Sean stars in a (hopefully weekly) stand up/situational comedy hybrid. Sometimes our humor is off colour....so if you are offended by bad language....sorry. Sean swears when he ponders. We can't help that. We can only capture his essence as an artist.

Quandary of Squalor; or, "I was just talking to that large african american lad!"

So apparently we have a tradition out here, where on your birthday you get a list of tasks that you have to accomplish. It started with portmans birthday a month ago, my first week in Los Angeles. Sean was in Wheeling, and on his plane flight home, got bored and made a list of absurd things for Portman to accomplish on his birthday.

Fast forward. It is now September 4th. My day of birth. And this is my list.

1. Entire bottle of Charles Shaw to the head. 

Liquor and beer in California isn't as cheap as it is back east. However, at least to some benefit, every store sells it. Our favourite liquor selling establishment is Trader Joe's. At Trader Joe's, they have their generic brand name products - including wine. Charles Shaw wine. It's 1.99 a bottle. Instead of doing shots or drinking beer to pregame, we spend 8 dollars on 4 bottles of wine, and each of us has one as quick as possible. However, you'll also note the 'to the head' aspect of the task, which tasks me to drink it as quickly as possible. I drank it in about 4 minutes.

2. Call one girl from LA Express.

The LA Express is one of those things I'm not sure how it is legal to distribute. It's basically a newspaper with pictures of girls and their phone numbers. It advertises 'escort services'. There are many of these booths around the city that have stacks of them. They apparently don't like being asked to do obscene tasks by drunk people at 1 in the morning - even if it is their birthday.

3. Scream "I used to be kind of gay" at some point

I yelled this in the middle of a very busy nightclub/bar that we frequent. Enough said.

4. Introduce yourself to someone random as Gideon.

I think this is fairly self-explanatory. The girl didn't seem to enthused to meet Gideon. Probably because he was a staggering drunk in a bar who interrupted her conversation

5. Text Rachel "If you were out here, boy, oh boy, the things I would do to that onion"

I have no idea where Sean comes up with these things. I' have no idea if Rachel will ever talk to me again; she hasn't responded yet, 14 hours later.

6. Call walmart and inquire on the price and availability of season 1 of Mama's Family.

Made even funnier by the fact that I don't even know what Mama's Family is. Neither did any of the employees at wal-mart. They put me on hold twice. And asked multiple times what I was looking for. I was going to ask them to transfer me to shoes so I could inquire about the price and availability of water shoes, but they hung up on me.

7. Ask Megan and Halie to kiss, they don't have to, you just have to ask

Two of our friends. I asked nicely, for my birthday. They did kiss, so I got bonus points.

8. Ask a guy for a cert. If he offers you anything else, refuse it.

I asked what I think was a Valet for a cert. He was wearing a shiny silver jacket. He handed me a business card and I threw it back at him because I had to refuse anything not a cert. When he picked up his business card and put it back in his pocket, I apologized for throwing his business card because I felt bad.

9. Order a 40 of PBR from a bartender.

The bartender misheard and gave us 4 PBRs. We drank them.

10. Listen to waving flag in it's entirety

I hate Ka'naan. I hate this song. It's miserable. Almost as miserable as Matisyahu, which almost always directly precedes or proceeds the playing of this horrible shitfest. This was the last of the goals I accomplished at about 4AM, and it was painful. (But I was drunk and I sang along)

11. 10 Pushups

This was one of the more difficult things, because I did this approximately 5 minutes after consuming a bottle of wine and 2 vodka redbulls in under 15 minutes. Walking and speaking the english language was difficult, doing pushups was near impossible. After doing 10, Portman and Sam decided it was time to cross it off the list. But sean was out on the balcony smoking and saw nothing, so he insisted I do 2 more to prove it to him. I think I almost died.

12. Talk in a British accent for half an hour. If anyone beleives you are british, explain that you are a well known sound mixer, in town to mix sound for a high budget pornographic movie.

There is a video of me talking to an equally drunk large black man about how I'm a British sound mixer. "I just spoke to that large african american lad!", I proclaim to the camera. I can't comment on this because... I don't have a great memory of the experience. But I know that samuel and portman timed me and I actually went for 45. This was on the list because the first night I was out in Los Angeles, I got blackout-alcohol-poisoning drunk and (apparently, rumored) spoke in a British accent for something like an hour.

It's 3:14 Am and I stare at the moon from the balcony. It's easily 10 degrees cooler outside of our apartment which is drenched in all the best shades of white the world has to offer. In cotton shorts and no shirt I stare out across the road and note the woman in the house on the corner sitting at her desk writing and consider that I should stop and write as well. I wonder if she's writing a screenplay, or a novel, for enjoyment, or a letter to her mother. 

 

I wonder if it will be reviewed publicly in the press.

 

I wonder if she will let me proofread it.

 

I wonder if I could own one of the short quotes of praise on the back.

 

"Truly a masterpiece of our times," says the New York Post.

 

"Powerful and Spellbinding,' says the New Yorker.

 

"Poignant and Post-Coital!' declares Roe Sellers.

 

I chuckle to myself and walk to my bed where I will assuredly write a screenplay. 

 

Scratch that.

 

I chuckle to myself and walk to my bed where I will assuredly check facebook, look to see if anyone has posted a new job on entertainmentcareers.net, monster.com, or craigslist in the 15 minutes since I last checked which is assinine because it's 3:00AM and all of Hollywood's movers and shakers are in bed now, underneath their sheets with much higher thread counts than mine, behind gated driveways and expensive security systems. 

 

I try to picture the hollywood executive that will read my manuscript, my novel, my screenplay - this blog, and think to himself "HOLY shitting wizards, this kid has exactly what we're looking for! He's abrasive, self-depricating, witty, with a hint of dark humor and intelligence, why is he not on our staff?"

 

As I lay in my bed picturing this scenario, suddenly April is in the bed as well - not sensually, just there to exist and torture me.

 

"No hollywood executive will purchase your script if you don't write it first".

 

Intelligent - that's April. Or at least that's April in my head. That's the kind charm that reignites a crush from the 6th grade, which I excellently told her about while drunk on $1.99 a bottle Chadonnay from Trader Joes. In my unemployment, I've found a great deal of time to converse with people about how I will ONE DAY be a great Hollywood writer. Her command of the english language is somehow powerful and vivid, but also strangely grounding and gratifying.

 

"That's right, I say to her - that's right I do need to write, that's how my whole future will come together. Unfortunately", I say to her with a sigh, "unfortunately my writing isn't all that great and I have to attention span of a newborn fruit fly or a pre schooler at the zoo".

 

"Nonsense, you're being ridiculous - you're writing is lovely. Stop complicating things for yourself" 

 

A new voice. Erica - EJR, in the flesh, now sitting at the foot of my bed, her hair elegantly disheveled about her glasses, her blue eyes - the same blue eyes I'd swoon over any day - peering over a beaten copy of some american classic. Animal Farm maybe? Perhaps the Great Gatsby? I notice the chipped finger nail polish as she turns a page; her eyes light up and she purses her lips together in the way I love, probably thinking of the perfect insult since our relationship is founded on mutual cruelty and passionate sarcasm.

 

Erica will now psycho-analyze my writers block, while April will offer useful advice that to me is somewhere just short of the perfect advice I need to carry on.

 

"Maybe you can't write because you don't really want to,'' Erica would offer.

 

"I think you're very witty and creative - you just need to tap into that and market it to the rest of the world,'' April suggests.

 

"Roe, when you left Baltimore, you promised me you'd find a normal girl to inspire you" someone stays sternly.

 

Shit that's right, I did say that. That's Amanda by the way, and she's now pensively resting her head upon my pillow staring at the ceiling.

 

"And so you drove 3000 miles to imagine of your high school girlfriend, a middle school crush, and the girl you're convinced is something special lounging on your bed," she chides. "That doesn't seem very productive!"

 

"I live in Los Angeles, California," I reply. "No one here is normal. Everyone is 'in the industry' - except me. I'm unemployed. No one turns right on red, and everyone has the desire to tell you about their personal lives. I imagine that if I were to walk home drunk from the bar and be struck by a car, the following scenario would take place"

 

EXTERIOR – NIGHT TIME, BUSY STREET

A PARAMEDIC ARRIVES ON THE SCENE WHERE A CAR HAS APPARENTLY HIT SWERVED TO TRY TO AVOID A PEDESTRIAN – THE PEDESTRIAN, ROE, IS LAYING IN A PULL OF HIS OWN BLOOD NEAR THE SIDEWALK, IN OBVIOUS PAIN.

                                               

                                                PARAMEDIC

                        Oh dude, man, shit, that’s gnarly. That looks seriously bad man, but

                        No worries, we’ll have you in tip top shape in no time bro! Can you

                        Hear me alright man?

 

                                                ROE

                        Ah…yeah. I can hear you fine…I got clipped by a car at the knees,

                        not any sort of brain trauma.

 

                                                PARAMEDIC

                        Do you have health insurance and an emergency contact available

                        Buddy?

 

                                                ROE

                        Well, my emergency contact would be my rooomate, and he’s over

                        There with the officers giving a statement. And no, I just moved out

                        to California, no job, no insurance.

 

                                                PARAMEDIC

                        Oh yeah bro, I toally know what it’s like. It sucked before I got my

                        feet in the industry, no job, nothing. Wow man, that’s a lot of blood,

                        good thing I got some bandages am I right?

 

COLOUR DRAINS FROM ROE’S FACE. HE APPEARS TO BE GOING INTO SHOCK. CONFUSION COLOURS HIS FACE

 

                                                ROE

                        In the industry? Please tell me you’re a real paramedic and not an

                        Actor?

 

                                                PARAMEDIC

                        Shit man, what, you think they don’t need on set paramedic crews

in case of emergencies do you? Man , once I worked on a set for an action movie with Harrison Ford, and that bastard god like, a fucking sunburn from the heat of an explosion and he wined like a baby. Oh shit dude, this is so cool I can see your bones man, your shin is sticking out of your jeans!

 

ROE WHIMPERS AND PASSES OUT. THE PARAMEDIC HURREDLY MOTIONS SOME COWORKERS OVER.

 

                                                PARAMEDIC

Haha look at this shit man, kid gets hit by a car and goes into shock. What a douchebag, he’s never gonna make it in the industry!

 

ROE GOES INTO CARDIAC ARREST AND NEARLY DIES BUT IN A LAST MINUTE TWIST, THE INK PEN AND MOLESKINE NOTEBOOK IN HIS FRONT POCKET SLOWS THE BLEEDING AND HE MIRACULOUSLY LIVES AND WRITES A SCREENPLAY ABOUT HIS TRAUMATIC EVENT WHICH WINS AN OSCAR.

 

(Authors Note: Yes I’m aware I stole the random item stopping a serious injury from STRANGER THAN FICTION. No, I don’t care that it isn’t original, most things in Hollywood aren’t: evidence? The yearly remakes of movies that are less than 30 years old)

 

All the girls laugh and swoon at my witty improvisational humor.

 

I wish to clarify that all of these girls have much better vocabularies and verbal mannerisms than noted in this rant, but uh...I suck at dialogue. Which is probably why I'm stressing over this screenplay. Damn it.

 

So now I'm sitting in my bed talking to three beautiful girls admiring my writing that hasn't remotely been written yet. I'd have absolute no chance with any of them if we were in the same room, but here in my head, 3000 miles from either, I am infinite. I am witty to the point of being hysterical, I am intelligent, and I am the best damn writer the industry has ever seen.

 

They may in fact read this blog linked from Facebook and wonder why I've written about them, which is stupid of them because really, anyone I've ever met should expect to be because lets face it : I’m really not that creative. I’m just a decent storyteller is all. It’s just a case of art imitating life.

Actually, my fictional scenario with girls I’m smitten with is more like life imitating art. I’ve watched too many chick flicks from the 80s and that’s why I’m blessed with the ability to use my own literature to torture myself at what is now 4:38 in the morning.

As a note, it is now 4:39 in the morning here on the Left Coast. I have not at all succeeded at writing my script, but have excelled at insulting myself. Now however, I have to work on the script so that I can feel like I’ve accomplished something.

 

I will however save this for my future Memoire. It will be called by one of the three following titles:

1)“My Life as An Elevator: Up, and Down”

2) “You’re Going to Make Someone Very Happy Oneday, Or So They Say”

3) “I Should’ve Stopped Talking 30 Seconds Ago, but Continued Rambling”

 

Whatever the title, I hope the New York Post finds it Poignant and Post-Coital.

For those of you who are curious, this is an average day for me in Los Angeles. This is what I did today, August 31st.

4 am, go to bed

9 am, wake up, roll over, stare at wall

930 am roll over, stare at ceiling

945 am make bowl of generic frosted flakes

10 am check email

1010am wonder what erica/rachel/ashtin/justin/april are up to back home, and if they're available to entertain me

1030 pull up 20 jobs to apply for

1040 be stressed out and overwhelmed by the prospect of finding a job

1041 fall asleep

3pm wake up, stagger to kitchen, make ghetto quesadilla/cheese roll-up-thing

4pm apply to those 20 jobs, and 30 more that have been posted since

445 update my profile on facebook, careerbuilder, linkedin, monster

5pm, open my script, look at it, decide my writing sucks

530 play tetris on ds for half hour

6 cook dinner - boil spinny noodles, cook chilli, put chili on noodles

some point in the future - shower.

1010pm - leave apartment with a (most likely) already drunk sean, and probably a depressed because he lost his job 2 weeks 

ago doesn't want to spend money samuel hook

1050 - take 40 minutes to go 10 miles to  LAX in stupid LA traffic at TEN EFFING THIRTY AT NIGHT, pick up other roomate portman

midnight - take one hour to go from LAX BACK across the city, to downtown hollywood where we will sing karaoke, fail at meeting women and/or celebrities

2 am - remind drunk portman and drunk sean that they are not allowed to smoke in my car

230 get stuck in traffic. really. goddamnnit los angeles. how is there traffic.

245 - drunk food stop for them. probably taco bell. 

3-am arrive home. put headphones on. listen to music. read the great gatsby for the 40th time.

4am - sleep

9am -repeat

Okay so a slightly longer update (I haven't had internet in some time, but I should have it fairly regularly from now on).

The drive to Texas blew because of Oklahoma. Seriously. We payed more to cross Oklahoma on it's one damned highway than we did for lunch. And we got lost. We almost ran out of gas because I didn't know it was possible for a highway to have 47 miles between exits. Luckily while frantically searching for gas we found a Sonic with gigantic drinks.

As I said before we went to the Annheiser Busch brewery in St. Louis.  It was pretty cool. (photogaphic evidence below). In the main area where the bear ferments, they have these things that look like giant kegs. GIANT. KEGS. it's impossible to explain, but think kegs where the sides are one story tall. Apparently the beer sits in those kegs for like 21 days.

We had kind of a hard time getting tickets for the Cardinals game - they apparently sell a lot more tickets than the O's. We started searching 2 tickets in the cheapest area and then moved up and up until we found a pair, in the 34 dollar zone. They were insanely nice seats tho - equivelant to 'Club' level seats at Camden Yards. Side note, future wife, my first child's name will be Camden. Male or female.

The best part about Texas was the food. We ate at what the internet assured us was the 'Best BBBQ in Amarillo', at a tiny place called Dyers. It took us forever to find, and I must say, the people in Texas were very polite and helpful - a stark contrast to Kris other experience in Texas (Basic Training).

Dyers closed at 10, but let us in when they were cleaning tables at 9:30 to seat us and treat us to a meal. It was delicious. Cole Slaw, pickle, texas toast, bbq beef, brisket, st louis style ribs, onion rings, mashed potatoes, and apricots. 13.99. Also, not pictured, one large glass of Fat Tire which has quickly become my favourite new beer, which is convenient since it's all over the Western United States, and Yuengling is not.

From there we went on to Tucson, Arizona, and stayed with a friend we hadn't seen in a couple of years. She works on a ranch, taking care of horses (and some cows, 2 cats, 2 dogs - one of which is adorable and the other of which is roughly the size of a shetland pony, if not bigger).

If you haven't figured it out yet, our cross country trip was basically to eat. We continued this in Arizona - I had the best hummus I've ever had at a tiny bar there (jalapeno + cilantro!) and then we went to a whole in the wall deli with some of the biggest portions I've ever seen.

I got totally screwed by a cop in Arizona. Leaving a traffic zone, in the slow lane, being passed by more or less EVERYONE on the road, I was pulled over for speeding - pretty much because I had out of state tags. The officer swore I was going 70 in a posted 55, and issued me a ticket. The first sentence he spoke? "I see your from out of state..." He told me I could "return to arizona to contest the ticket" etc etc etc. Or take traffic school. The ticket is a lot of money. Traffic school is more. Alas I can't have points, so online traffic school it is. 

The worst part? I pulled over more or less instantly and was very courteous. Where was I pulled over? Right next to (literally, 10 feet) a 75 MPH speed limit sign. The officer very politely informed me that 'just over there' I could continue onward at my previous speed.

Vegas wasn't for me. Call me strange. Call me whatever. Anywhere it's 109 degrees at 2am is not somewhere I'm interested in. There were entirely too many people there for my taste, and not near enough hand lotion.

The 'short' drive from Vegas to LA took me almost 7 hours. I sat in traffic for four of them - welcome to California. At an inspection center it was inquired if I had any oranges. I did not. I was also informed that it was illegal in california to talk on my quote "mobile handset" end quote. I promptly hung up on my mother.

The first week in Los Angeles has been....interesting. I'm job searching. 

For those of your curious, yes, I did hear the news about Sherril being traded and Tillman and Matusz coming up. Sam has MLB.TV, so we watched both of those games - albeit on a little bit of tape delay. Matusz looks amazing - I can't wait to see him pitch again Sunday.

I am continuing to look for a job. Wish me luck. Offer me a job. Ship me food. You know, whatever.

Just got home (to my aunt's) in St. Louis - we went touristy on Downtown St. Louis.

We had an awesome lunch unexpectedly with Squale. It didn't occur to me to plot out (on a map) our path across teh country. The GPS alerted us (and we didn't realize until it did) that we would pass through Wheeling and I immidiately called everyone in Wheeling to see if they wanted to do lunch. Squale joined us.

Interesting tidbit one: my mother forgot to tell my aunt I was coming. Kris and I arrived at St. Louis at approximately 9:10 Central time. When we pulled up, the light was on and the front door was opened. I said to Kris "aww, their waiting for us!". When we walked to the door, all of my relatives gathered at the front door to see who was knocking on the door so late at night...oh...roe? W..what? What are you doing here? 

Thanks Mom.

On the drive we hit two of the food places Kris wanted to hit - Steak 'n' Shake and White Castles. Kris first white castle experiences was as about what you would expect - "really? this is it?". We had the most soggy white castles ever. It sucked.

In St. Louis we went to Ted Drewes twice. If you're ever in St. Louis....go. It's the best ice cream - I've been telling Kris about it since the 7th grade and he agrees it's the best frozen ice cream he's ever had. 

Today, we slept in and then scheduled hotels for the rest of the trip. I took an asston of pictures I'll try to post tomorrow when we get to Texas for the Night. We stopped for St. Louis style pizza at Imos, and went for free beer at the Annheiser Bush brewery tour. We borrowed the sample glasses without permission as souveneirs. Then I took in my first Dodgers game at the new Busch Stadium - which is gorgeous. We had great seats on the club level, seats where we stayed dry for the 90 minute rain delay. Unfortunately, the Cardinals slammed the Dodgers 10-0. We left early in the slaughter to make sure we got to Ted Drewes for a 2nd helping of custard before leaving St. Louis.

Pictures tomorrow. Getting up to drive to Texas in 5 hours.