So apparently we have a tradition out here, where on your birthday you get a list of tasks that you have to accomplish. It started with portmans birthday a month ago, my first week in Los Angeles. Sean was in Wheeling, and on his plane flight home, got bored and made a list of absurd things for Portman to accomplish on his birthday.
Fast forward. It is now September 4th. My day of birth. And this is my list.
1. Entire bottle of Charles Shaw to the head.
Liquor and beer in California isn't as cheap as it is back east. However, at least to some benefit, every store sells it. Our favourite liquor selling establishment is Trader Joe's. At Trader Joe's, they have their generic brand name products - including wine. Charles Shaw wine. It's 1.99 a bottle. Instead of doing shots or drinking beer to pregame, we spend 8 dollars on 4 bottles of wine, and each of us has one as quick as possible. However, you'll also note the 'to the head' aspect of the task, which tasks me to drink it as quickly as possible. I drank it in about 4 minutes.
2. Call one girl from LA Express.
The LA Express is one of those things I'm not sure how it is legal to distribute. It's basically a newspaper with pictures of girls and their phone numbers. It advertises 'escort services'. There are many of these booths around the city that have stacks of them. They apparently don't like being asked to do obscene tasks by drunk people at 1 in the morning - even if it is their birthday.
3. Scream "I used to be kind of gay" at some point
I yelled this in the middle of a very busy nightclub/bar that we frequent. Enough said.
4. Introduce yourself to someone random as Gideon.
I think this is fairly self-explanatory. The girl didn't seem to enthused to meet Gideon. Probably because he was a staggering drunk in a bar who interrupted her conversation
5. Text Rachel "If you were out here, boy, oh boy, the things I would do to that onion"
I have no idea where Sean comes up with these things. I' have no idea if Rachel will ever talk to me again; she hasn't responded yet, 14 hours later.
6. Call walmart and inquire on the price and availability of season 1 of Mama's Family.
Made even funnier by the fact that I don't even know what Mama's Family is. Neither did any of the employees at wal-mart. They put me on hold twice. And asked multiple times what I was looking for. I was going to ask them to transfer me to shoes so I could inquire about the price and availability of water shoes, but they hung up on me.
7. Ask Megan and Halie to kiss, they don't have to, you just have to ask
Two of our friends. I asked nicely, for my birthday. They did kiss, so I got bonus points.
8. Ask a guy for a cert. If he offers you anything else, refuse it.
I asked what I think was a Valet for a cert. He was wearing a shiny silver jacket. He handed me a business card and I threw it back at him because I had to refuse anything not a cert. When he picked up his business card and put it back in his pocket, I apologized for throwing his business card because I felt bad.
9. Order a 40 of PBR from a bartender.
The bartender misheard and gave us 4 PBRs. We drank them.
10. Listen to waving flag in it's entirety
I hate Ka'naan. I hate this song. It's miserable. Almost as miserable as Matisyahu, which almost always directly precedes or proceeds the playing of this horrible shitfest. This was the last of the goals I accomplished at about 4AM, and it was painful. (But I was drunk and I sang along)
11. 10 Pushups
This was one of the more difficult things, because I did this approximately 5 minutes after consuming a bottle of wine and 2 vodka redbulls in under 15 minutes. Walking and speaking the english language was difficult, doing pushups was near impossible. After doing 10, Portman and Sam decided it was time to cross it off the list. But sean was out on the balcony smoking and saw nothing, so he insisted I do 2 more to prove it to him. I think I almost died.
12. Talk in a British accent for half an hour. If anyone beleives you are british, explain that you are a well known sound mixer, in town to mix sound for a high budget pornographic movie.
There is a video of me talking to an equally drunk large black man about how I'm a British sound mixer. "I just spoke to that large african american lad!", I proclaim to the camera. I can't comment on this because... I don't have a great memory of the experience. But I know that samuel and portman timed me and I actually went for 45. This was on the list because the first night I was out in Los Angeles, I got blackout-alcohol-poisoning drunk and (apparently, rumored) spoke in a British accent for something like an hour.
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